Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I could fuck to npr.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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