Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
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I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
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you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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