I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Randomize
