Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Nicole vs. Life
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
