I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
