Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
