the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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