I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
