Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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