and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
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I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
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Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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