Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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