I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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