I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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