I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
