I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
No subtext here. People are naked.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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