My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
