I'm really into asian looking animals
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.