I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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