and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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