He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
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This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
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I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?