we're chasing vodka with high fives
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Then again, he has huge mansions.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.