She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
