i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
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Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?