she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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