o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.