i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book