I bet he comes in French.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
