If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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