I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
