i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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