How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize