Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
