no, he came in my armpit
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I want to be your penis for a week.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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