My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize