yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
