he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
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