I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
