this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
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