i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
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He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
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You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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