yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
