listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I wish you could order shots online.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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