so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
