I love black thongs
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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