He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
