Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
