I just cut my nipple shaving
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
