she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
