***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Someone shattered a urinal.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Drunk is not a location!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
