he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
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I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
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Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?