did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.