mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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