So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Randomize
