my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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