my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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