i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
