Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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