Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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