My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Randomize
