I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
