i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
