wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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