remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
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