Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
