So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Randomize
